Sometimes
Sometimes, I just don’t understand myself. Actually, not sometimes. All of the time. The way I think, the way I feel, the way I love and even see and hear.
But most of all, I hate that I am reliant on pills to regulate my emotions.
I used those words because, it’s not that I’m always unhappy, everybody has ‘those days’. It’s that- when I have ‘those days’, I can’t get out of them. Sometimes they last for two days, sometimes two weeks. Sometimes I can pull myself out of bed, and sometimes I lay in bed for 5 hours. Sometimes I can handle it, but most of the time I take it out on the people I love the most. Generally, my boyfriend. And he is unbelievable, because he cops it, truly… Yet I’m sitting here like, “How are you still with me?”
So being paranoid, I avoid telling him. I never want to hurt him. I avoid telling anyone. Just to make sure that he is okay. I feel like my logic isn’t flowing right now.
I know I am okay though. I just don’t know how he does it.
I really couldn’t explain the way I feel. Especially when it’s sad days. I think, ‘I’ve got it all, why do I feel this way?’ But what even am I ‘feeling’?
I would do anything, give anything, to just be super happy all the time, understand and love myself. Though how is it I feel so small and pathetic when I am taking medication to be able to do this. I have to rely on them. It just makes me so upset.
I don’t want to have to rely on anything, the medication or a person. I want it to be me.
Back to my boyfriend, he just talks so much sense. Even when I’m supposed to be angry at him. Like I said I just don’t understand myself. I talk and talk and talk to myself. Repeating the tiniest things, blow them out of proportion and he just sits there and takes it. What type of girlfriend am I? And I always end up saying sorry, but it’s after he has talked sense into me that I start to realise things. I hate myself for this, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s just too much of a beautiful person. Like I said, I avoid talking about it, which realistically is dumb because it stirs in my mind.
I don’t want to be reliant on the medication, then it’s the only thing that stops me from just spanning out of control. How sad is it, that I know when it has an effect on me, because I’m so chilled out with him. It’s when I’m not, when I say I’m leaving, but I never can. I know that if I did it would just boil me over. To the point I cry and have to sort it out then and there. All over something so tiny, then afterwards feel like the most horrible human. I try though. I worry that If I keep going like that it’ll take a toll on him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him though…
Most of the time- there isn’t anything to sort out. It breaks my heart that I lose it at him. I try, I really do.
I wish I couldn’t feel and was normal..